it’s not that i’m not upfront with my partners, or that there is some sort of lack of communication. and it makes me feel a bit shitty to now have to critically think and prioritize relationships over others. but that’s what i think i have to do.
i’m a slut. like, a proud slut. and i have lots of different capacities for different people. i find myself wanting friendships, and i actually have maintained platonic relationships, but many times those friendships lead to something more.
is there such a thing as being too greedy with love, even if you’re honest and consensual? i’ve strove to take in what i’ve wanted, what i’ve desired, in the most healthy and open way possible. but there comes to a simplest and lowest common denominator of commitment: time.
right now i’m really enamored two women who are new in my world. first few dates kind of enamored. i love it because it gets me all excited in that old familiar way – but they’re both so lovely, so different, and beautiful.
another that i hope to meet soon. artistic, queer, and a porn peddler.
then there are two that are new relationships, who i’ve seen for 2-3 months. one is more friends with benefits thing (which i really think doesn’t apply to queer folks – it’s more of a straight people thing) that is calmly exiting my mind from a romantic relationship. and the other which i’m beginning to feel more sexually connected with, but she feels so new to queerdom that it still makes me a little nervous in the back of my mind.
and then long distance. those kill me sometimes. because absence does make the heart grow fonder. and this transfem genderqueer person has really gotten me thinking about them ever since we met. i really feel comfortable and nice inside when i think of us together. and maybe it is ok for us to long distancey. i mean, we aren’t even in a ‘codified’ relationship per se, but we do express much affection for each other.
the person i spend most time with is my partner at home. my love.
we live together and function as a couple almost all of the times when we go out together. she’s the light of my world right now. we support each other deeply, and i feel so thankful that she’s in my life to support my emotions, my transition, and our polyamory.
it seems that the lines between friendship, romanticism, intimacy, relationships and partnerships are so fuzzy in queer communities. i really like that. and often i feel like that’s a lot less work than maintaining some idealistic monogamy. but sometimes it’s questionable. sometimes the natural ebb and flow of polyamorous relationships are messy, even with the most “grounded” and non-committal types.
and often a partner feels imbalanced with their other partners via relationship experience, sexual experience, gender, queer exposure, community ties, activism, and the number of other partners the other person has. and i’ve experienced much of the privileged ends on these. what do i do with that? is that really privilege? how does that so-called privilege relate to me as a trans woman, where usually cis women are the most objectified in straight spaces and usually transmasculine people are the most objectified in queer spaces?
all i can take from this, right now, is to keep being honest, maybe try to be more honest, and look deeper into myself on what i really want, what’s fair to my friends and partners, and what i can do to be a better lover/partner/hook-up/slut.